Why am I cross with Jane?

Well, it's the same reason that I'm cross with Owen and Mike Wespel-Rose, and the classical guitar people in a more general sense: stop thinking that I'm Cameron Sloan! 🤬 I perceive a consistent and persistent strain of being pressured to detransition every time that I let those people back into my life, and as a result I refuse to be involved. From my perspective, the video views and the minor celebrity from my activism and my Ads are actually me doing my bit for the cause. I mean, I promoted two NZ guitar pieces by prominent composers in 2023. - That's also why I tend to avoid the opera people: same philosophy. - I felt that same pressure at the composer's meeting that Salina organised, but the farewell one that Glen organised was noticeably hipper and more grown-up. As in, Karlo had choice things to say about RNZ Concert too, and most of those composers had jobs, while that other one was obviously an attempt to butter me up. Salina, the transparent attempts of VUW to 'persuade' me to return have been an annoyance since 2020, and I haven't forgiven any of you for stalking me. There is no valid answer to the 'why did you stalk me?' question. Between the lot of you at VUW, NZSM, NZSO, Orchestra Wellington and NZ Opera, there were plenty of you that knew me as a real person, and many who had my email address. Why was it that none of you bothered to write me, to include me, or to offer me gigs? Oh, wait: it was because you thought I was a flasher and a paedophile. That was pure and unadulterated transphobia. You excluded me, and now that's cost you a bundle. 💵 - They've had four years to persuade me, but actually all that you lot have accomplished is wasting my time and making me feel inferior and inadequate, though that was always how I felt around Michael Norris and Salina. Even in trying to be hip, you still seemed smug, superior and arrogant to the point that I feel like it literally pained you to have to accept that I was hipper, more accessible and more popular, and that was needed to save the school because you lot are a bunch of elitist wankers who lack the ability to feel, and that have never, ever considered that I might have left academia because of you smug dickheads! You fired Jane, and despite being upset with her, that was the final straw. That's fair. Maybe if you stopped infantilising me, you'd start facing me down like a pro that wrote a major new classical piece and is fully capable of making her own decisions regarding chords, harmonies, orchestrations, lyrics and all those things that you avant-garde shits know precious little about. Did you bother to try my idea of getting another institution interested in rebuilding the NZSM as it was before 2015? I mean, if I'm being real, Paddy used a variation on that idea, so why was it that NZSM didn't? Oh wait, it's because they hate me! 🤬 - I left academia in 2015; I met Ms Swarbrick in 2018. She had nothing to do with it, though she did make me feel as if there were people out there that gave a shit about me. VUW only gives a shit in terms of the box office (to reference my story). I bet they've done metrics that project the potential income that Tina's story might generate for that tertiary institution. If those come out in the tens of millions, then my $50,000 sounds entirely reasonable. - Re: Guitar Society If Jane and Owen are willing to apologise, then possibly. But, actually the combined effort of fighting them about this, while also fighting the entire classical community regarding Jake and what happened that night, was so exhausting and dehumanising that I'm simply unable to forgive all of you fairweather allies that are now feeling guilty that you chose the wrong side and that Amanda truly won the day. That's why I demanded financial compensation. That's what the $50,000 is. I've actually become more successful since I transitioned: like, I got the RNZ gig as Amanda; I wrote Pan's Preludes as Amanda; I made the Dakumentary as AMANDA. Amanda is who I am now, and that's a transfeminine person. 🏳️‍⚧️ - As for 'be a guy at work' -- hell no. I'm literally fighting for the right to be Amanda at work, and to gain explicit legal protections that allow me to do so. That's a win for the entire community. So, hence, classical music bigots can fuck off and wonder why it is that their 'be like Italian Ingrid' or 'be like Aussie Chloe' bullshit failed. I'm way more feminine than either of those two, and frankly I'm my own kind of leader. In fact, this blog post is a form of leadership. This is me stating that I'm very aware of the tactics that were used to control me, then and now, and that those tactics weren't very humane or effective ... all those screams were a sign that it wasn't working. Same as the 'be more like Gareth and Alex Taylor' bullshit. I refuse, I'm legally and morally entitled to demand that they accept me unconditionally as Amanda. That means no discussion of my clothes, no discussion of my sex life and no discussion of my music until the apologies are forthcoming and heartfelt. Even then, it is well within my rights to refuse to perform; I'm refusing to do your gig ideas, and that's all. So, no NZSO concert this year, only NO. No Guitar Society concert. Only NO.

The bigots will apologise. They will mean it, and they will accept my choices as fair, valid and reasonable. VUW doesn't get to cash in on me, and nor does the NZSO. They tried to pay me in exposure and experience: I'm nearly 30, and frankly they were only offering because I made a name for myself advertising my own music. I've hated their marketing campaigns for many years, and I've openly said that I do not believe that the NZSO is the best use of taxpayer money. It patently isn't, and the climate cost of that is going to really kick them in the balls if they admit what those costs are. It's bad enough that they're a touring orchestra, with loads of trucks moving expensive instruments up and down the country, but we're also an isolated island that is closer to Antarctica than to Australia. All those guest conductors and touring soloists are simply pushing that carbon emissions level higher. Amanda might be poorer than her enemies, but I'm not signing a deal with bigots that refuse to admit guilt, that refuse to apologise for their actions, and who have ZERO legal rights to my material. That is all. That's why I left the church. That's why I left the religion, but I'm still very good.