To be a musicals nerd:

When I Grow Up is an 'I want' song.

So is Being Alive. It's unusual to have the I want song at the end of the show re: Company, but other than that it's more or less the same as Class or If I Were A Rich Man.

I don't find such ideas helpful for structuring a musical, though. I'm attracted to songs that are winners, and my idea of integration isn't necessarily what a Broadway show would do.

- Re: Parliament - I booked a ticket for tomorrow, but I'm way too nervous. It's just freaking me out.

I'm probably gonna wear the outfit I'd planned on wearing for my birthday, but yeah... I'm too anxious about Parliament.

If I do change my mind, I'll come, but ... seriously, I think next week might be better for me. -

I'm also trying to focus on keeping my cool, and that's something that I prefer to do alone.

As for the beard -- well, I'm keen to do the bearded lady at Parliament, and it looks nice right now.

I think another week it'd be slightly thicker, which would be good.

-

I should go on holiday. That's definitely something that'd help my mood. I'll bring it up with Mum tomorrow.

Plus I could crash with Michael Stoop if I flew down to Christchurch. I'm not totally sure whether I want to study with Mark Menzies or not.

I'm not particularly keen to do a Master's or a PhD. I prefer my pieces to be the thesis, rather than to write a piece (or a set of pieces) + a thesis defence.

Financially, I'll probably end up in Auckland. Australia is too hot for me, and too big. I like that NZ is small.

-

But then, I'm trying to get back on the dole. So there's that: which sorta makes it hard to travel.

I can't run Sibelius on this machine. It's a piece of shit -- all the Avid programs hog the processor, and I definitely doubt it could run NotePerformer.

I'll see what I can do.

-

Ethan hated the new Circa play, so I won't be coming. That's what friends are for: honest feedback, while I tend to think all the feedback I'm getting is somewhat self-interested re: Amanda = meal ticket.

That pisses me off.

I'm not Bobby, my birthday is something I prefer to do mundane things during. I've found Christmas is more of a suicide bringer to me rather than my birthday, though overdoing can stress me out. The screening, I thought, was a good idea -- maybe next month or July?

-

Parliament isn't as mundane for me as it is for her. For me, it's something I occasionally do, and I think my birthday is something where I'd rather be low-energy than cheerleader mode.

I'm very heartened that activists are finding their spine in NZ. And that this year it's all about leftie environmentalist stuff rather than last year -- I'd like to think my script had something to do with that. 😀

I might make another tape - nursing a cup of coffee.

-

I think I've laid out the business coherently. I've got lots of research to do, but my immediate focus is the Dak film + these guitar recordings.

This is how my flow works -- when I'm editing, there's usually some slow patches where the film isn't changing much, but I'm still thinking about it.

That's when I learned to sing + play .. while POAK was at that stage. I was hoping to prove to myself that I didn't need my guitar as a crutch, but I proved the opposite.

So yeah. Should have a new junk one soon, and then I'll test the microphone on the smart phone.

-

As for the wanking, well, I'm feeling pretty ace at the moment. But that shifts, particularly during manias -- one of the things that is symptomatic of bipolar is the heightened sexuality during manic episodes (see into the woods 1.5.23 tape for more). Though sometimes depression .. I think my recent one was mixed, and that's the scariest state.

But also with the beard I find I identify less with the transvestites that I see online. - However, what that practically means is that I should do a bearded lady series of photos.

For the sake of the dudes who feel the trans thing my way. I think porn is quite a strong place to speak/opine about trans issues from, given a lot of straights are into trannie porn.

But yeah, that's what the new DSLR is for. Among other things... but I'm not keen on any skits or anything like that. I'm shepherding the dak series, and I'm trying to get a job.

Those are my key areas of focus.

-

I bet Labour aren't my biggest fans. But yeah -- that's not who I vote for.

I'd love to finish a draft of Shipwrecked, but it's not my main priority .. it's more the thing that I bitch about because I wish I was writing it more than I am. 🤣

My recent brainwave was solid, but it was for a chunk several chunks later than the next action scene.

I'm mostly chronological with how I've assembled that screenplay, though yeah I had some visions of other sections. It's come together differently than my last 2 features, which were surprises to me as well as the NZ public.

-

Re: Miniature

It's not pure hocketing, but it's inspired by it. Movement 3 is more that.

This section with the brass in the climax has some. As I said, I prefer making music to writing about it. Or, at least, I hate writing about my own pieces.

I quite like writing reviews. But I hate gigs, and yes I hate some people.

It very much depends, though. I tend to think people are contextual -- so, an enemy for one context might be useful or friendly for another context.

But that's not typically something one gets to experience, as we all tend to cast ourselves into a mould. So it's not like people switch roles much IRL. -

I'm very angry, but I don't really plan to kill people. that's something I take out on machines.

Or music. It's not that I wouldn't kill a person: I've just never felt like it badly enough to do so.

Both my twin and I really have tried when we were kids, but not since then. As I say, the jump was Stephen's call.

That's what I found scary -- that I couldn't stop him and watched him fall.

That was what my flashbacks were about.

- Across the Ocean:

See, that's a nice minor-major resolution.

Whereas these following two movements (The Daktory, From These Shadows) are fluff.

I don't think they're important to premiere as a concert piece - but obviously I plan to record them for Shipwrecked. - Re: performing

No, I have zero interest in doing a concert. No way - simply not interested.

I hate performing, and honestly I'd rather not. That's my decision.

I don't care what people think - I think that shit is the cult of the artist that kills musos like me. My film premiere was my plan -- I was going to do a few tunes live during that, though I hadn't figured out which ones...

Seriously, why do you think the 27 club obsesses me? I have a death wish, and a lot of that is trauma re: performing. 👍

- Re: premiering the preludes

It's not therapeutic. It's not beneficial, and Chris would do a better job. I do plan to record them myself; when I'm older, while I feel strongly that some fresh eyes and fingers would be useful. Snark: I'm not Britten - 'be useful' doesn't mean shit to me. I'm all about the perfect edifice of sounds. -

I'd rather try to make money off my writing/editing skills. People's visions of A.M. were as much the problem as anything I was intending.

People saw me as an image, and their assumptions are what I had to fight. I'm not a leader, but I'm a good writer.

If I was a leader, I would've had more than 2 recruits for the cannabis cause. 👍 -

I simply think the first 3 movements is what the concert version should be, but obviously for Shipwrecked I'd record all the tracks.

I don't need the adulation -- that's what that Ravel documentary was about. I'm like that -- I preferred my wee seat for the climate strike than speechifying.

That's the composer mindset. -

I found the Amanda Michelina mindset very useful for composing. That's why I chose a nom-de-plume -- it really helped me with composing the Preludes and the songs.

And the satire. It was a useful phase of my career.