facing my delusions

I'm over the Chloe thing now. It took two mental health teams -- the first apology backfired, and motivated me to keep going -- but, honestly, once I verbalised it, it sounded pretty silly.

And I'm probably not going to smoke weed until it's totally out of my system. 👍 -

It's funny that after all this crap, it wasn't until I emailed her office that the Parliamentary Service was brought in. That was mostly to ask about permissions for the Dakumentary. - More delusions:

That's why I don't have much faith in the whole 'Sir Peter is fucking with me via his expensive tools' theory.

I feel like even a guy as famous as him probably would have emailed me if that initial 2050 setting document was good, despite the unfortunate name choice .. that was an honest mistake, and I'd never heard of the white supremacist group which used Zealandia -- that's the name for the submerged continent that Aotearoa is part of. My Dad was a scientist lol. -

As for VUW -- well, if my delusions aren't delusions, you're trying but the result is that I'm furious, and lost any respect or faith that I might have had in the faculty before this saga.

1. as a guitarist, I'm already one of the best. I genuinely wanted one of the guys who are motivated to practice new music to take a crack at my Preludes for the reasons that I've exhaustively explained (more interpretive freedom, fresh perspective etc.).

Surprisingly, I'm not very motivated to play them myself. To me, the composing was the catharsis, and after Chris's Vanya I'm very keen for someone to interpret my sheet music rather than me.

I might be odd, but I'm just like all the other composers, except that I'm freaky good at an unusual instrument which is popular in all other genres of music. -

So, I've got one foot in both popular and legitimate music, but it is simply impossible to persuade me to act.

Those who might be spying on me are directly responsible for several of my breakdowns. That hasn't instilled faith that you shits have any belief in me or my wellbeing, but mostly hate me, and want to rake me over the coals for saying that the NZSO is bloated and the NZSM isn't a lovely place filled with lovely people, but a cut-throat and often mean place that few of my real friends feel welcomed by.

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My idea of being free would be a world where drugs are legal and I have some students.

Plus some kind of writing/editing job. That's a far fairer, far more realistic goal. 👍🎸

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As I said today, I've never envisioned a future with Chloe .. when I try, it's just very hazy.

I don't know her well enough to envisage those things.

And honestly, I'm way more ashamed of proposing to Lucinda than any of the online drama. I thought that was mostly funny, though obviously I'm not always 100% stable.

I was a OTT queen, and that was by design. What I discovered over my activism career is that cut-through requires tactics that are rhetorical, but people 'read' Facebook as if it's a spoken register, so it's a way of shocking them. 🤣

I'm a shock rocker and provocateur, and genuinely believe the mystique that I built with the black screen is significantly more interesting than another boring film about indie musicians.

With the black screen, my impersonations sounded really tight. That's the power of the audience's projections. 👍