A rant

Well, there's two ways of analysing these: 1. They're notes that I write to myself, and the mantras strengthen my resolve.

2. I'm being spied on, and this is me attempting to dialogue with the stalkers. This is the stuff that I compulsively type to myself... - I know my rights, and the NZSO is shocked to see me asserting them.

So is the NZSM. They had 4 years to persuade me; they simply failed.

So, now, the story is this: I wrote some great shit while they were stalking me. Because of their total and utter lack of support (and occasional direct opposition), they have no legal rights to that work.

Only ever going to say no, to teach you a lesson about stalking rather than paying. I'm not doing any guitar recitals or pops gigs in 2024. No way; I'm writing my book. - Plus I think that pops concerts with the NZSO are tacky bullshit and I refuse to do one. That's my decision, and I get to make that as the rights holder for my material.

To the average pop musician, they want the prestige and aren't too knowledgeable about orchestration or the finances of the NZSO. I know how you think, and I know that you're lowballing me. Next time, just pay my licensing fees. -

Yes, salina, you learned that I know my rep outside of guitar.

No, you never learned one single instant of how it feels to be me, and frankly you never will because you're too afraid to talk to me. That hardly bodes well for a business or collaborative relationship. That's actually my attitude across the board for classical music: you're all too afraid of me to have anything that is meaningful to say, and your horrific attitudes about my dresses say it all.

There is no apology that's good enough after you called me a paedophile, opponents in the classical world. You said that for at least 2 years, and that means that you're not allowed to share in my musical discoveries. No Tina program for VUW. Sorry, I get to say no and you get to put up with that. - For the other composers:

Synth is fine; I'd rather have my rhythms reproduced than deal with arseholes that are never going to accept me as their equal, no aussie rob, only no. All these offers of 'go back to being a guy' = no deal. That's fair.

There is no outcome other than Amanda refuses to perform until the bigots face up, and apologise directly to her for ruining her life, ruining her career, and then pretending as if they were justified because I wear women's clothes. I have the right to freedom of expression, including gender expression.

That means no. That attitude = apology, no 2024 performance, and no means no.

-

No aussie rob, no 'i ve' only Amanda refuses. no refsue, no series, no tina because VUW owns 0% of the legal rights. VUW doesn't own Amanda because Amanda is not a current student and hasn't been enrolled since 2015.

VUW owns 0% of the material. They have no legal rights to perform my material.

They need to pay me fairly for a script that I wrote on spec on my own time.

VUW has refused, and that means they will NEVER get to do 'ed'

Their solution: 'be tina and we'll kiss it all better' is flagrantly false, and is only happening because VUW wants to protect itself from scrutiny regarding their plans to fire music and theatre people and to cut those departments entirely.

That's what they want. That's what they've explicitly said. How can I support that?

Do not say that Tina could save the school. No, it cannot.

If it could, they'd have paid me the $50,000 for my spec script.

But no, all it would do is piss me off, waste my time, and create a shitty film because the bean counters would negotiate over every moment because they cannot accept that Amanda is a much more talented filmmaker than some board of non-film trained musicians that think they know better. - You might think you can run circles around me as a musician, but how many of my peers on the NZSM faculty can actually write a tune that's catchy?

Or something that sounds 'authentic' to NZ? Or sing well, in various styles, and play and sing with polyrhythms and multiphonic notes? -

Tina could not save VUW's theatre and music departments because it is ultimately a film project that has a very specific plot, and no scenes of classical outside of that Vexations idea... even a third-tier music school has piano programmes, but there is no way to showcase other departments without ruining the script. The script, in case the title wasn't obvious enough, was about drugs and the life of people that deal and consume illegal drugs. That was the theme, and the few scenes that I set at VUW were a subplot. You're welcome to buy those characters and situations, but I refuse to retool it, and that's simply my decision as the creator. Pay me or fuck off. - To the Wellington Council:

Tory, there is no way to force me, and VUW can simply buy the rights.

That is all. They cannot force me to film it because I will refuse, as is my legal right.

VUW has to accept defeat and cease and desist.

That's fair. That's why I published that letter.

I don't need a Masters, and stop presuming that playing classical records is somehow a preparation for that. No, it's not. Sondheim did this too; like, he compulsively listened to classical records, and had a personal collection within the tens of thousands of LP's.

If he was able to write Sweeney Todd without a Masters, then I don't need one.

Plus the condescending attitudes that Dave Lisik, Owen, Salina and Alex have shown. That's why I'm saying no, only no, always no.

-

Fundamentally, I'm standing up to people that still see me as a child.

They'll never change that opinion because they're too afraid to dine with me.

Now, I might still be childish, but I'm being so over reasons that are adult and valid.

Like, saying that I wasn't commissioned and hence I refuse to license for free is actually a fair and valid comment.

I'm not Salina. I'm not a professor. My pieces are supposed to pay my salary, and that's regardless of whether I perform them.

Let's say some non-guitarist had written Pan's Preludes... how would that have gone re: negotiations? I bet it would have been money $5,000, let's say, and then the NZSO itself would have sought out a guitarist.

I heard from Glen that NYO commissions are done for free, but you pricks (unfortunately) did not commission me, and now you need to pay a licensing fee and accept that if I say no to your generous 'offer' (ie threat) to play my piece, that doesn't invalidate the music. The MIDI is dope!

So, anyone but Jake. That's my offer.

-

And 'do it for me' isn't going to work after you cast aspersions on my lifestyle, jane.

As for casting aspersions... I never said that Jane and I were together, and frankly I think Owen preferred that I was doing some of the emotional legwork. Jane's old enough to be my mother (17-year age gap), so that's the dynamic that our relationship had, despite rumours to the contrary. re: 2020 - If your Mum had just been crippled, how would you have reacted? Stop accusing me of a lack of empathy when I had to write a script to put you in my shoes before any of you arrogant dickheads began to tolerate me. No NYO gig, no TV series, no VUW. Read my script, and read my drafts for my book, then patiently wait until my book is finished. That would be being reasonable and fair. I made a film about my life already, and it's called The Dakumentary, not Just Like Yesterday.

-

To the pro film industry: My Tina deal is precisely the same: you wish you owned it, but I do.

That means pay me for my draft screenplay or you can't have those stories, those characters or those situations. I'm not budging: pay me for the 2+ years of work that I put into my screenplay before asking for another draft. And because you gave me your notes, I'm not going to license it because those notes were all about either neutering the project by cutting the sex and drugs, or using songs that aren't part of that film, and are in fact obviously spoken for by another script of mine (that I've also advertised).

Plus reading 2 of Shipwrecked is a winner. So, indeed, 2 years later I win, as per usual with my musicals .. have some faith in me that I know musicals, plus I've always wanted to make a proper action film.👍

Suffice to say it's cold comfort. Though if I really do accomplish my goals of bringing down the establishment of classical music or VUW, that's a win.

-

I'm done with placation, I'm done with threats. That's the basic reality.

Look, how am I supposed to respond to all those 'you know what that means' or abdl or any of that shit that you lot threw at me? (ie the conversion therapy).

My answer is that those = no. That's fair.

-

As for Michelle C; she might like me, but not enough.

That's my attitude. She just wants my film for her career, and has no real view towards taking me back or anything other than a spare person around the house.

I'm actually refusing in part because we used to be close, and she was seriously considering whether to be with me after I came out. Then she basically pretended like that had never happened, but it totally had.

-

no 'pretend, be ed' only 'they called me a pervert, and now I'm not going to share' Don't accuse me of being immature if you got sucked into that anti-trans fervour, and don't accuse me of not sharing or connecting with my community. Wrong. I'm taking a course, I'm going to Parliament. I'm connecting with those people, and those are real communities too.

Has it ever occurred to the wealthy Wellingtonians that I'm not part of their lives, and the very reason is because they have more than enough money to pay me for my script, but they're refusing because they believe that I'm morally obligated to make it after the rumours that I may have spread on social media? 1. A lot of those were true, and people simply didn't want to have that knowledge in the public arena. I, on the other hand, was forced to defend my existence for several years by those same people that weren't willing to out themselves. 2. I have no moral obligation to trans deniers. 3. I've got fuck you money, and I'm using it to say fuck you to the rich cunts. -

Wellington must apologise directly to me for those comments, because it wasn't just one comment. It was several years of a concerted attempt to detransition me because I wasn't cute enough.

That's bigotry. That's fair. If you can only tolerate me with fake tits and makeup, then you're not tolerating me. That's called objectification.

I'm never going to agree to perform in Wellington until the apologies happen.

That's fair. I'm not missing out: I hate performing. 🤣

They're missing out for believing all that junk. You can say all you want that most of Wellington supported me and that was only a small minority, but all of you dickheads actually listened to that minority, so their view became your view, and that's why RNZ wouldn't hire me full-time.

Stop telling me 'grow up and practice' and start saying 'you're not a fetishist, you're not just in it for the sex, and you're a valid human being regardless of if you pass.'

Say that to me every single day. And say that 'we understand if you're not willing to act for/with/around us because of what we believed about you'

No 'about you' only Amanda refuses to help.

It's not my community: they made that fucking clear when I came out.

Only Amanda says no, and wants all the grown-ups in the room to fucking well tell all those conceited overgrown children that Amanda is legally correct, and that's regardless of what they want.

They scapegoated me, and it's backfired.

I do not want what James or Cass have. I'm not envious of them.

I'm angry at them for playing poor when they're really rich, but that's about it.

I don't play poor. I really am poor, despite having savings.

I envy Salina slightly, but mostly it's more money, more problems.

I mean, I don't want to deal with 20-odd young adults, and that's why I've said no.

Particularly with the trannie stigma too... -

I'm a film director/producer. Like, that's actually what most people think of me as. People may have enjoyed the Dakumentary, but Portrait of a Knight, Bad Man, These Words Are Meant For Someone, Fresh Culture and my music are what broke down the doors to the halls of power.

Music is second to me, because ultimately movies are either made or unmade and I prefer the film people in terms of working together.

-

More vitriol for the insufferable prigs: You keep up dreaming ways to 'save' me, but have you lot ever asked whether I wanted to be saved?

In 2020, I wanted to tell off the NZSM. And I did. I still think that Portrait of a Knight was a doctoral-level project (sans the tedious thesis).

In 2024, I feel similarly, and I'm sick of the uni taking credit for my work when my musicals were something that they barely supported (and mostly mocked). So I'm still angry. -

Mark, I can see why you might be frustrated, but you've tried what two or three times to persuade me to do something with NZ Opera, and I said no each time.

I like you, but it's hard to like an institution that turned commissioning a new piece into such a debacle that it literally split the company in half.

Perfumed Garden, though... if that happens, I'll let you know.

-

The VPN is pointless. It's never going to get the government spies off my back, and frankly accusing me of breaking IP law isn't a huge winner.

Fair use means for research purposes. So, shut up about my torrents and go back to finding real terrorists rather than reading my every move. 👋🏻

-

As I say, the use of threats to try and persuade me ends now.

I'm unbreakable. I'd rather say no than get paid because of the principle involved.

The principle is free expression. I expressed myself freely, and others can profit from that by licensing that material.

If they responded to my legitimate answer with threats and coercion, that hardly bodes well for a collaborative working relationship where everyone is equal.

Plus that's a fiction. There's no equality on a film set - each one is more or less tyrannical. There are two people in charge: producer and director.

And no, please isn't going to cut it, Michelle. Write to me, instead of being like Jane and waiting for me to write to you: it's not going to happen because simply you never reply to my rants. -

No 'simply you' -- see, these are an outgrowth of that conversion therapy.

All of the madness is. You spent most of 2022 and 2023 telling me that I wasn't valid, and instead of actually teaching me, you threatened me.

You tried to use tactics that were based on autism rather than bipolar, and this is precisely where it got you. Me saying no.

-

The madness scared the shit out of my Mum. Because she had no idea of the kind of loaded deck that I was playing with. She had no idea that every night, night after night after night for well over a year, I was being given subliminal messages that told me to go straight, be robert and stop wanking (while I was wanking).

That was wrong. That was very wrong.

In fact, that shit started in 2021.

That demands an apology, Barbara (and others who believed that was ok). A real one.

-

To Chloe:

I wasn't standing you up last week. It was out of my control.

To be fair, you made a deliberate point of standing me up the previous session.