Why I'm so cranky

4+ years of constant surveillance. It's been 24/7 for that long. 2-3 years of my elders rejecting my transition; I'm also deeply suspicious that the guy that the FTAC sent to evaluate me wasn't very clued-up on trans people. 1 year of making a documentary that I was forbidden to make, but everyone eventually came around during that year because it was a good idea. Just like all my film ideas... I was ahead of the curve. - Suffice it to say that I trust basically nobody and I'm right to be suspicious of the motives of my fairweather friends. As far as I can tell, part of why the NZSM is breathing down my neck is that they fired Jane and they want something to offset the PR of firing a disabled woman. You guys caused that tantrum this afternoon. Apologise for doing so, then actually follow the spirit of my cease and desist letter and seriously give me at least several months where I do not need to justify my decisions to Owen or Salina or Michael Norris.

I am allowed to write whatever I feel and to practice whenever it suits me. If you want more than that, then you have to pay me and you have to apologise re: transphobia that was intentionally and unintentionally displayed by the classical music scene - As for 'be a drag queen, but present as male IRL' - no. I have the right to freedom of expression, and that includes gender expression. I'm wearing clothes that I like and that make me feel less dysphoric and more confident in myself. Closet cases can all shut up and die as far as I'm concerned. You're the chickens, and I'm genuinely fighting this year to ensure that I'm legally protected from discrimination on the basis of my gender expression. I also have the right to freedom of association; this means that I get to pick my friends, and that I'm allowed to refuse to associate with people that annoy me. - If you try to force me to return to the NZSM, I will try to kill myself. That's how insulted I was when they refused to accept or acknowledge me as Amanda. Melissa Lee's line about media transitions really fucked me off... I presume that Salina is roughly as conservative as Melissa, so I took that to be her view as well re: my transness.

She took Jake's side. I remember that. - It's not a threat -- it's not the first time that I've felt that way. My suicidal impulses are born from arseholes that are unable to write a basic email regarding how I'm doing or their plans for me, but instead choose to attack me via proxy.

I turned off the news feed to avoid all that transparent toadying that people started to do when my Tina script was doing the rounds. Piimio and Michelle probably should have hit me up about it rather than waiting for me to do something about that script. I mean, as I say, it's not like Wellington can't have Tina, it's just that I refuse to portray her. I'm not keen to direct either. I simply want fair payment for the script, and that's fair given that there are some people with deep pockets in this town and people like that script. Plus I'm really not keen to rewrite unless the writer is also transfem.