Why am I torturing myself?

I'm very easily triggered, and right now the thing that's bugging me is my YouTube feed, which seems to be telling me to straighten up and fly right, which is hella irritating. I have a news feed eradicator to prevent that, but I'm lonely and that's motivating me to pretend that there's some residual human contact by refreshing the page (which is mostly very triggering). I said I'm a masochist. That's the sort-of stuff that masochists do. -

It's not that I doubt that people care for me, though it has plenty to do with my annoyance that these women who are attracted to me are also too chicken to write me. I've got stuff going on tomorrow, but today wasn't a good day: threw up my dinner, and had a terrible headache. -

Barbie, I'm not writing you. I don't feel like it.

I realise you're probably freer atm, but I'm getting really sick of that anti-trans vibe, and I feel (rightly or wrongly) that you're more or less disgusted by my masochism, and also rather peeved that I'm not the beautiful seamless trans woman of your dreams.

Even as a masochist, I think that it's honestly disgusting what WEIRD society expects a trans person to do to 'become' a woman.

I've certainly learned a lot about how it feels to be a woman since I came out. I was shocked at how easy it was to lose that male privilege.

However, I do think that pretty women have a kind of privilege of their own, and that's something I'm not super-keen on. -

I'm never going to support Salina until she has the guts to talk to me.

I'm not a pawn in her departmental games.

that's why I left uni.

I'm honestly incredibly irritated that the NZSM thought it had the right to own me.

That speaks of an attitude that 'we're the only game in town' and that it's heresy to literally say shit like they're evil or that they're exploitative or that they break people.

There's no way of talking me into returning, and I'm quite satisfied by that synth version of Pan's Preludes. -

It's really not uncommon for a major piece of classical music to sit on the shelf for years, and I'm ok with that, given it's part of a larger story that I'm 100% committed to.

I was also particularly hurt by this 'you can't move' bullshit. No, I can and did.

I fully plan to move to Auckland eventually. I think that's where my career (both media and film) would step up another notch. -

Complaining that I'm broke doesn't mean that I should take the first opportunity that comes by, particularly as it comes from a place of people simply being afraid of my 2030 script, and lacking the vision to see that it's an incomplete draft. I wanted to test the waters, and that was a lot more grown-up than Andrew Niccol and that whole story that Paddy broke. 👋

They want my songs, but they don't want to admit that the story I've designed for them is something that I value.

NZSM doesn't. They just want me around because, surprise, surprise, I'm thoroughly good at most styles of music because I play an instrument that rewards versatility.

They don't like me personally.

They fully acknowledge that I'd be like Mark Reason or Mark Richardson because that's how much they despise me on a personal level. I've got better things to do with my life than to spend 30 years of it sitting in faculty meetings with people who despise me.

That's why I've said no.

Their anti-trans rhetoric makes it easier. -

Everyone thinks I'll marry, settle down and have some kids, but they're forgetting that the man I idolised was a creepy loner who never had a meaningful relationship until his sixties.

That's what Finishing the Hat is about.

But I'm young and romantic, and I fell for Chloe. Even I wasn't expecting that, though I'll admit that I was excited to meet her and it was love at first sight. 🤣

I wouldn't say I fell for Michelle C. That was totally different, and heavily coloured by the family vibe that the three of us had.

I loved her, but it never quite happened. -

While I eventually decided that I wanted to pursue Chloe. I'm not exactly proud of how I behaved, but I'm glad that I put that effort in. I'm not really sure what I'm expecting, but the Dakumentary was a winner, and that's partly because of my feelings for her. However, I hasten to add that we're not even really friends; we've barely spoken, though obviously we've been flirting for a while.