the art

The dreams aren't what I really want. I have a very vivid imagination, but I'm significantly more practical IRL.

I wanted to be a transvestite because it seemed easier than the whole hog transition and I've always thought I was crazy; I'm also beyond hurt that most of Wellington wasn't exactly supportive of my new name or pronouns. I'm fine with 'another gender' or 'gender-diverse' -- I'm not really fond of 'genderfluid', though.. I feel like I'm always me, and I'm a crazy harpy who shrieks well. I don't feel like there's a 'boy mode' or 'girl mode' ... I feel in-between. -

And I'm not really horny atm -- low mood. Those tapes where I'm whispering are fairly effective at lulling me to sleep, so that's easier.

This isn't a very sexual phase for me. I'm like a deer in the headlights right now -- it'd be fair to say I've broken through post-Riddell Productions, but now I'm feeling all these new pressures that I never felt when I was a young nobody.

Every day feels filled with import and double meanings, and it's felt increasingly like the Truman Show -- that's annoying me: I can't tell IRL if people are genuinely talking to me, or if they're just puppets. Like, when I met this publicist lady at Hannah's party: that felt like a set-up.

Which is why I'm reclusive (and wish I had a manager). I'd rather people contacted me directly. - Like, I had no intention of becoming the Phantom of the Opera. I think that's something where the ladies were more into that, while I mostly saw the tapes as woodshedding .. I think of my guitar music as essentially a party trick. Amanda Michelina was mostly me running on instinct, so it's only now that I can overthink and analyse all the crazy art and DJ stunts. It's a shame that In The Groove no longer exists... that was a casualty of the band breaking up. As was my media library (I'm seriously mourning that... that was 15 years of collecting). 🧠 - Publishing my sheet music is something I should probably do sooner rather than later... I think there's more interest in my vocal works than I'd anticipated -- I was mostly interested in publishing my guitar music, but honestly there's not been much interest in my new pieces: Kwan read through the Barcarolle, but nobody else has performed it. The Chamber of Colours is cool, but somebody would end up transcribing the fourth and fifth movements, which would cost money, or I could publish them as improv pieces with key thematic material. That'd be a challenge to other guitarists. The full-length Call O' The Wind is quite cool, though I haven't found it yet... I found some of the drafts, but not the full-length one. I sent Chris my music library, so maybe he's seen it floating around (it's 3 or 4 pages). - I'm seriously not budging about my performing career -- I consider myself retired from that, though my studio career has been a success. And my film career is largely focused on the Dakumentary + possibly screening Portrait of a Knight again at the Penthouse. That's what Hannah's interested in doing: screening the movie (again), so that's positive. 👍 - My mind's still playing tricks on me, though: I'm seeing words as a collection of letters and that's often freaking me out due to the trauma. That's the madness of lyric writing; it's frustrating that the Sands of Time took months to write, and it's a much simpler song than I was predicting it'd be... that's where the process lead me to. I think the 'weaving webs' line wasn't great; that was a dummy lyric. Dummy lyric is a real term. That's what we call lyrics which are temp lyrics on the journey to the 'right' lyric.

This is the song it's based on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgShVKmJCNo&ab_channel=HeatherHarper-Topic