Secret Diary of the Prime Omelette

I'm back in Wellington. My AMPP accounts can't post, so I'll be doing more blogs. Anyway, here's my version of Steve Braunias. - January It's election year! Te-Riu-A-Māui is stoked on me and the party has never looked stronger. What's that? Our polls are running lower than the last two Natzee PMs? No matter: I'll fix it. I'm the man who can. - February Geez, those lefties are sure campaigning early! The Avocado Princess and her psychotic he-she lover are cooking up something with some deluded rock star that happened to like 'their' bad satirical songs. How dare they tell the public to fry me up?! I'm the teflon man, not the egg man. What bounces off me sticks to you, you trendy lefties... - March Our internal polls have us at under 30%. We'd better fudge some numbers and start bullying all our employees to vote for us unless they want to lose their daily bread. Some of the staffers are mumbling that I've become mentally unstable... crybabies! - April NPD? I've never even heard of that. Those psychos on the left are the real narcissists: blinded by their own bullshit! Better make sure that little doozie is kept out of the public sphere. - May Those ingrates! I saved this country from the worst recession since the GFC. I doubt Chippy could have done that. Just because my Silly Sausages can't do simple maths doesn't mean that we're tanking.... - June We're still keeping our heads above water, thanks to Winnie. I'll browbeat them at the coalition negotiations like I did when my party decided that I needed to walk the plank for being mentally unbalanced. .... They beat me three years ago - see, I can admit I lost - but I hold all the cards this time. I'm the Chief Executive, and they're just my CTO and COO! We're the largest party, and I'll keep relying on them to promulgate the policies that myself and the Rank Group cook up at our secret millionaire and billionaire retreats. The Pink Skull is the perfect patsy: his unco antics make me look like a King. As for our enemies in the Left... we'll grab them by the pussy! - July That he-she is back on the air! Why can't she see that we're more popular? Our smear campaign has made her into a laughing stock... oh wait, what's that new post? A defence? I'd like to see 'them' defeat our secret deepfakes of her being fucked by her mates. We spent millions on those, and they're fucking seamless! One of my guilty pleasures is to put them on and have a good wank. I love it when a plan comes together... - August My secret moles in the Avocado Party are definitely slowing their roll. It's hard to get 20% of the vote when half their campaign team vote for us! - September How did that he-she get those ads on the air? We combed through her entire feed to find copyright violations to prevent her from running ads or posting to her page, yet the ads are still running!!! What's that? 'They' can't take them down because they can't manage their page? What the fuck is that? My mates in the Pentagon better pull Zuck into line. Q is over 5% thanks to that sick pervert tacitly endorsing her. It's amazing how un-Christian those Asians are... - October Nothing to do now: we're going to lose! How dare the disaffected band together to vote against the ruling class? We'd better brand them all as terrorists, then blow up the damn Beehive so that we look like the good guys. Then we'll get what the Pentagon wants: a Kiwi Patriot Act!!! That's what will keep me in power until 2045, when we're all Raptured...