Pushing The Boulder

An unassuming patio. Two guys in deck chairs, beers in hand, munching on sliced bread.

Hal, laid-back but smartly dressed; Charlie, a likely lad. Charlie is dozing off... 'You there?' - Hal. 'Yo.' - Charlie 'What're you thinking?' 'Do you think we're alone?' Hal looks around. 'On the deck?' 'No, in the universe.' Charlie sits up straight. 'I've got a theory, bro. It's about... ya know, universes stacked on top of each other. If you take a shit here, you cause a mudslide below, and if you piss... there's a flood.' 'Yeah, right.' - Hal sits on the toilet. Suddenly, he has a vision... A majestic turd travels slowly through the Milky Way. It hurtles towards Earth, reflecting starlight and generally creating a scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

It barrels into our planet. PLOP! Hal's bowels unclench. A look of epiphanic verve takes over his face. - Back on the deck. 'I think you're right, Charlie!' - Hal. Charlie raises a glass to himself. - Hal, the scientist, scribbles furiously on his whiteboard. The multiverse isn't his specialty, but he's seen some working theories.

He becomes obsessed with toilets: could these crude porcelain bowls really be the gateway to another dimension? Hal is at his workshop hammering away... an explosion! - The two of them are in his workshop. 'So, there are universes stacked on top of each other.' 'Fuckin' told ya!' 'Yep, a transdimensional multiverse. And it's all connected by toilets.' 'Not so dumb now, eh?' Hal nods, and points to a part of the diagram. 'Near as I can figure, we're somewhere in the middle.' 'Does that mean we're getting shat on?' 'Yeah. Floods, mudslides, every natural disaster... it's all caused by some cunt up there shitting on us.' Hal gestures towards the heavens. Charlie sculls his beer. - Charlie and Hal are staring at the toilet. 'The system automatically rolls down, but with this I can reverse the polarity.' - Hal, gesturing to a sonic screwdriver. 'Isn't that just some hand-waving mumbo jumbo?' 'Pretty much. Do you get what it means?' 'Yep. We go up the toilet.' Hal nods. 'All we have to do... is flush.' Hal attaches a device to the toilet. They're ready to go... -

The two flail out from the long drop, sparks shattering as they fly upward. Hal lands on his arse, while Charlie lands on his feet. 'Haven't seen one of you for a while' - The Head Priestess. There's a bunch of nuns. 'What do you mean?' - Hal. 'All the males died in the great mudslide.' Charlie gleams and sidles over to one of the pretty nuns. 'Where did the mudslide come from?' 'A few fields yonder. It levelled our cities, and the toxins killed our men' - The hot nun. Hal sees a chance to be a hero. 'I swear I'll get to the top and tell them your story.' The nuns are very subdued. 'What?' 'Lots of our men said that. None returned.' -

Universe Prime. A blue-suited man takes readings from Earth-1717. 'Unusual activity detected; possibly another interdimensional transit.' 'That's the fourth one today.' 'Sir, do you think they know?' 'Perhaps.'

'What do you propose we do?' 'Let's... deploy the troops.' -

A man from a post-apocalyptic universe is chatting to Charlie and Hal. 'We have little land. The great flood submerged it.' 'Like the melting of the polar icecaps?' - Charlie. 'Yes, Charlie' - Hal. 'No, it wasn't that at all.' 'Then where did the water come from?' The man points up at the sky. Suddenly, there's an ominous sound... A big shit begins falling from the sky. Charlie sees it heading for Hal. He dives in the way, heroically pushing Hal aside. Charlie is smacked by a mountain of shit.

'Charlie!' Charlie is breathing heavy. He's not long for this world. 'Stop the shit from falling, Hal. Stop the sh...' Charlie breathes his dying breath. Hall falls to his knees. 'Nooooo!!!' Hal rises, determined. He turns to the man. 'Where's the nearest toilet?' - 'He's rising, sir.' 'Prepare the Master Bathroom!' -

The Master Bathroom. Harper Harrison sits on a chair, tenting his fingers. Hal kicks in the door, and throws the body of the military dude across the room like an action hero. 'I've been expecting you, Hal. My name is Harper Harrison; I'm the Chief Sanitation Manager of Universe Prime. Congratulations on making it to the top!' - Harrison. 'You know how this has to end' - Hal. 'Allow me to present a counter-offer. You remain here, in Universe Prime: a world free from natural disasters, free from worries, a place where everyone else suffers for your peace of mind. In brief, a world where nobody can take a shit on your dreams.' Hal weighs it up. It's certainly tempting. 'I only have one question: why do this?' 'Simple, really. We had a terrible waste crisis. Overpopulation, you see. There were simply too many people and not enough places on our little blue dot to store all their shit. So, I decided to store it elsewhere. We didn't think you'd mind: after all, how were you peons ever going to travel up the line?' Hal loses his composure, and socks Harper Harrison right on the jaw.

'Sometimes, shit rolls uphill.' - now he's a real action hero. Hal rifles through the papers that are on Harper's lap and sprints through the facility, avoiding the security staff. He sees a microphone - labelled Interdimensional Intercom - and grabs it.

'Test. Test. This is Hal Anderson, Universe-8613. I have a simple request for all sentient beings: please, stop shitting in your toilet. All that waste pollutes the entire multiverse. Just because you don't know where it goes doesn't mean that it disappears. It's time for all us lower dimensions to stick it to the people at the top: shit on the streets, shit in the woods, shit anywhere. I don't care; just so long as it isn't rolling down to us.' Hal drops the mic.

- The nuns begin squatting in the bushes. The beach man begins shitting in the sand. The Universe Prime dickheads are shitting on the floor. - Back to the patio. Hal squats with a beer in hand. He raises a toast to Charlie's chair. 'We did it, mate. We did it.' PLOP! Hal's shit is hard and crusty. He examines it, then decides to split the log in half with his urine. The End