Not a good day

This has to stop. I can't end up screaming like a crazy person (again) because my paranoid brain thinks I'm being told by people, most of whom have never even met me, that I'm not allowed to be trans. Fuck those people. I'm Amanda now, and they should get to know me rather than bringing their own prejudices to an image on a computer screen. This is the residue of having people assault me and attack me. Now I say 'NO!' on a loop because I wish I'd been able to say that to those people. It feels like those people are trying to rape me and exploit me, and that's really annoying me. 😒 - That's seriously wrong, and here's my spiel for those who think the answer is to tell me to 'be a guy' -- to start with, NOBODY liked me then: they all thought I was autistic and they're still treating me as if I was that guy (who they never liked). Honestly, the shitty attitude that Michael Norris had about musicals is enough to piss me off; while I have no beef with the jazz school, I'm pretty sure what works well about my music over the last few years was that it was written for an audience of regular people, rather than a bunch of academics. So, I'd appreciate some support from these senior musicians, but not if it's dependent on me being a guy. I'm not doing my autobiography with my EP songs, and STOP trying to make me. - What's changed: I got hip, and my music got good in a way that they can't copy... and now they want me to explain how it works. -

STOP telling me to be a guy. It's only angering me.

It's wrong to do so, and I want YOU TO STOP.

No deal for $1 million or to do an NZSO Pops concert. No means no.

I'm doing the 2030 musical. No 'he' only 'she', or you are NOT allowed to work with me.

I demand my collaborators use my correct name and pronouns and DEFEND me from the transphobes rather than that what you are currently doing, which is TELLING ME that your audience is too square to understand, and therefore I'm not allowed to be myself. -

Sorry, but why should I share my gift with those people again? It's not like I should share my transness with people who can't accept me as trans.

That's all. Get behind me or fuck off. 😡

- Also, re: erotomania -- so, let's presume this was from before Chloe, and therefore also applies to the me who was basically sober and didn't do drugs. It's something in my overall makeup, and the operas are a good solution. While making me the star of a Wellington story is NOT happening. I am saying no. Come next month, I'll still say NO. Come summer, I'll still say NO. Only NO. If I'm resisting this strongly, perhaps that's a sign that I'm NOT willing to participate. -

That's all. I just do not want to do that, but I am keen on the short stories. I'm not acting in any of those, unless it's the scenes which I was begrudgingly willing to include. I'm not casting Cass for the Beach Song -- I'm bluntly telling them to write their own song using that same theme; that's what a fellow composer would do. 🎶 They're the ones who smugly think they're better at lyrics than me... so show me!