It's not Parliament

That's making me crazy, though it would be fair to say that it's not as congenial an atmosphere as it was during the previous government. Though I had a Quetiapine overdose recently, it wasn't an intentional suicide attempt. It's nice that people reacted as if it was, but I thought I'd told that to Golriz and Dave. That doesn't mean that I don't feel suicidal or self-harming thoughts, and many of those are driven by people mistreating me. The overwhelming vibe, thanks to Jake and others, was that people didn't think I was trans: they thought I was experimenting, a fetishist or that it was just trendy fashion. Then my feelings for Chloe were used as another excuse to invalidate me. Most of my so-called allies jumped on these bandwagons, including those that thought they could 'solve' my dysphoria via cosmetics. - If I left, I'd still be spied on. Most of my remaining friends are activists, criminals and other people that I've met during my time as a provocateur. What makes me feel suicidal is all the psychological manipulation where being trans was an excuse to interrogate me, and then to give all the doubters ammo to force a 'retransition' without asking me. All that bullshit, and the sneaky manner in which it was conducted, means that I have a lot of trust issues. The SIS should definitely answer for the outdated crap they produced, while VUW and others broke the law: there's little ambiguity that they've harassed me. That goes for the ACT Party, who chose to keep spamming me after my night in hospital. It made me feel as if my close friends were rejecting me on a daily basis, that society wouldn't let me be myself, and as if my sexual desires were a pathology. Given that, it's hard to see how I could reconnect, or find myself in another city. In Wellington, we've been through the saga and it's just the smarmy apologies remaining, while it's easy to imagine being mentally on edge in another city and getting poor help from people that aren't familiar with trans people. Those are some pretty dark feelings, and it's no surprise that life feels shitty when there's all this stigma that I've ultimately got to overcome. - While it's the Pink Skull who was wearing those accusations of threatening me, it could have just as easily been one of a dozen other scare tactics that I encounter each day. Almost every day, I get a nasty email, some disruptive piece of bullshit or some other such thing designed to knock me off my stride or to get a reaction. I mean, I'm sure all the high-profile people have that too, but they're usually well-paid. Of late, the right wing has really been pushing me to retire or face charges. As always, their threats are silly, but they feel real when it's the government. They want me gone, so I'd rather stay to piss them off.