brain droppings 05.05.2023

Ok, let's circle back to last night: you're afraid I'll attack you when I lose the plot.

As I said, you're judging that on a doll I smashed and punching my laptop. Which you could have only seen if there's a camera in my room.🤬 - While there's clearly a symbolic resonance, it's not like I hit you.

I've been on the other end of that, with my brother, with Keaton, and with some of the people who have gotten grabby when I've been out in dresses. That's why I'm afraid of violence: it's happened to me.

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I think it's obvious my mental stability hasn't been great since Auckland. I'm not blaming the trip, but yeah it's been somewhat awkward since I stopped getting regular hours (but still enough hours that maintaining the nocturnal schedule makes sense).

- For the Wellington people:

The reason I get worked up about stuff like Dushan is because I know I'm lucky to be so gifted that it doesn't matter how weird I am.

All my life I've made friends with weirdos who get kicked to the curb by society because they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

But re: behavioural correction -- I think what I've shown is telling me to tone it down actually results in tantrums, as does pressuring me to perform when I'm not keen. If you're ok with me as I am, which is a crazy fairy, then I'm fine; moaning about me for oversharing or singing too loud isn't helping me with my mental stability (or the complainers, I would imagine, given I'm trolling them). 🐸 -

I don't think I'm dangerous, but I do intend to provoke people with my language. That's a conscious goal of mine, and mostly because I'm a smartarse who wants to see if they can outwit people higher on the totem pole.

Which I often do. I'm hardened to criticism due to my street theatre and 2020 FB work: after the reactions to the Weed Ad, and my IRL performances, I've pretty much stopped caring what people outside my process think of what I'm doing.

If I ask someone for feedback, then I care; if it's unsolicited, I'll probably ignore it. My xp is that people typically can't understand my canvas during the development, then feel sorry and wish they'd supported me once I finish the canvas.

That's what I infer: some people have sour grapes that they *haven't* been in my movies. 🌧️👎