another day, another tantrum

This was just cruel: I went to Central Park, and there was a 'pass with care' sign on one of the council groundskeeper's vehicles. 🤬 I find it hard enough to shrug those off when it's trucks on the street, but this felt personal. - I know it seems utterly stupid, but those signs honestly ruin my life, and it's one of the main reasons I want to move. If society was willing to accept me the non-passing trannie, then perhaps the signs would lose their trigger-inducing power, but that's not what society has shown. Currently, my feeling is that I'm able to walk the streets, but beyond that other people are somewhat chicken ... 'oh, I don't have a problem with it, but my friends are so square' -- that's the vibe I interpret. - Re: Wellington -- I hate being an icon here, because nobody likes me. You may admire me or fear me or whatever, but I'm sick of being told things like 'people like you are what makes this city what it is' when those same people curse me out behind my back, and all that jazz from the Path to Beauty song. That's bougie thinking from middle-class people who like to go slumming, while I actually live in the slum, largely due to the lack of opportunities since I came out. The so-called 'icon' is some broke, crazy trannie who is getting worse and worse due to the pressure that people put on me to show up to gigs, though they'd never have dinner or drinks with me. I'm not an actor, and everyone needs to be ok with that. I'm a personality, and that's about it. The trans activist in me thinks it's sick that cis people essentially force trans people into creative fields or sex work due to the stigma that I (and others) experienced at a 'real' job... that, to me, is reflective of society judging trans people on their performance of transness. That's why I hate Butler btws. That's her queer theory ideas; sedimenting is method acting bs, but one might feel trans without wanting to caricature femininity or masculinity... tbh I wasn't super-keen on changing my name initially, as I felt like I was the same person before and after I came out. - My mood will probably pick up over the next week or two as my trust money arrives and I can buy my new camera and tripod. Then I can get started on the sex work documentary.👍