9.1.2021

Quoting from my journal: 'Had a thought while listening to the Weill Sonata for Cello and Piano - the thing that I feel I'm only really able to express via music (and notated music especially...) is my sexuality. My guitar pieces have previously downplayed this in favour of pursuing technical perfection, but my best ones do express it. Sexual energy = creative energy. Manipulating the notes on a page gives me great pleasure, as does playing and singing. My imagination gets me off... However, I chose composition as my focus because I hate the rigmarole that comes with performing, where the desires of the audience are important to consider with my stage presentation, while composing is more inwardly focused (writing for an imagined audience, not playing for a real one!). My sexual fantasy = becoming a woman. My sexual reality = arousal triggered by fear; doesn't discriminate by gender, but I find males more frightening (hence more arousing). - self-talk: 'sex may be taboo in Kiwi culture, but it ain't elsewhere!' - there was always a degree of fear involved, but my experiences during transitioning made it far worse. - 11.1.2021

'I now know that old songs have a unique power because of the lyrics. Sondheim is very right to say post-rock popular music lacks that versified quality that comes from perfect rhyme, becoming strings of stream-of-consciousness imagery without the glue of dramatic context (though videos often provide a context).' - 12.1.2021 'It's fine to masturbate, but the whole point of having my own space is that I don't have to censor myself or face the social attitudes that come with what I do. The 'sissy' thing just makes me relive bad situations that I got into during the weed campaign; I've grown up and learned how to get over my issues with mainstream sexual alternatives, but sick and tired of the faux-inclusivity permeating NZ - they don't want gender non-conformists in society. We can't hide in the closet and need to be more open about it (or change the law so we can call out the negativity directly). So far as Film and Writing goes, I've just gotta take it slow, much as I'm taking music slow. I'm not a fast writer, or director, and hated being rushed by Steve during Portrait of a Knight (and all subsequent RP projects).

- 17.1.2021 'Old note recapitulating here: 'Glamour is in the eye of the beholder.' - 'Amanda needs to be glamorous, not just elegant. That's why I use show lyrics to

espouse my philosophy. Plus I'm a passionate person - which I inherited from both

parents and my childhood overseas.' - 18.1.2021 'A dream about a burger place, and waiting in the car for three hours for my order, followed by a dream about a weed deal in a coffee shop and running around town (Wellington) looking for an ATM. Ended up in a dairy.' - 25.1.2021 'I think the modern asexual movement is drawn from what one could call 'introverted queerness'. LGBTQ+ politics privileges 'out and proud' narratives, but most of my young queer friends don't feel that much in sympathy with that movement. I do perform, but it's the works of deviant intellectuals which appeal to me more than post-Stonewall camp fetish gayness.' - 'I don't know everything; nobody does! I'm just one young artist-scholar following their passions. Don't need to take it personally...' - 28.1.2021 - here's a sexual fantasy dream 'After spending the afternoon with Amber and Lucinda the day before the dream, I had an interesting dream. First dream in which I was Amanda (the vulnerable, insecure trans person) with a girl; Alex Appleby kissed me, and was doing the 'butch' side of the equation. Waited too long to write it down, so the specifics elude me.' 👋 - 22.6.2023 I'm not doing the acting role. I'm stubbornly refusing, and these are my reasons why. - 31.1.2021 'Forget the specifics of the dream, but it left me with an interesting question: what if Portrait of a Knight was about a man instead of Rachel?'

- 8.2.2021 'Finally have a theory to try on Mum to explain young women (and queer/trans people) dressing sluttily [yes, she really asked me! 🤣]:

- It's a compact/social contract - duh! part of the courtship dance. - The girl wouldn't wear that going out alone; she wears it because she's asking

her boyfriend to protect her, and his gestures are conditioned responses - it

combines marking territory (on both sides - "he/she's mine") with 21st Century

chivalry. - 15.2.2021 'Watched walkshort by the Front Lawn. It was crack-up! Also had an idea about the Dominion Road intro. It's four bars of 4/4, but the riff implies a 6/4 metre (as in In My Room). Rock is all about those sort of syncopations - off-beats over an even pulse - while Jazz syncopations make the 'off' beat the 'on' beat. Always a source of confusion for me...' - 17.2.2021 'Realisation: I'm living as Amanda now because I couldn't live up to the expectations of being Michael. Too much work! Everyone had ambitions for me, and I fulfilled so few.' -

20.2.2021 'Tag line: "A group of students on a road trip become entangled with the unfinished business of their ancestors in a gentrified, post-colonial New Zealand. Description for pitch meeting: it's like Goodbye Pork Pie meets Scarfies, but with off-beat songs like in David Byrne's True Stories. Needs a cheesy 1950's B-Movie opening a la Star Wars or Little Shop of Horrors: 'in the year 2050, Aotearoa New Zealand has become a very different place...' -take the piss of the LOTR intro! - 12.3.2021 'Watched Wellington Paranormal S3E3 = enjoyed it (cool to see Cuba St. on TV), but started feeling some more of my anger at 'the system' and mainstream New Zealand.' Then I started writing Machine Fatigue.... 🤣