To my enemies

I woke up after a second night of average sleep (Zopiclone rather than Quetiapine: moving to Johnsonville has been a nightmare for my prescriptions) to SPADA in RNZ talking about how Netflix needs to pony up some dough, when they already get $200 million per year to make TV. Now, I'm not doing Tina, but here's what I would suggest: if you want properly crewed, properly paid scripted dramas and comedies on New Zealand airwaves, rather than the piddly few that are made every year, how about a broadcasting quota that punishes TV networks for making stupid reality shows. That's the real problem: reality TV is ubiquitous and that's a) cheaper, and b) hires a significantly smaller crew which is mostly camera people, hence failing the makeup, art and other departments who are mostly only used for fiction work. That's what SPADA should be doing, but they're all producers, so are probably making a pile on those garbage reality shows. That's why they're burying the lede and moaning about Netflix. I'm not saying Netflix shouldn't pay, but I'm saying it should be the responsibility of those producers to change the TV landscape if that's what their goal is. - As for why I won't do Tina when all my enemies (at last count, VUW, Red Scare, NZSO and a few others, like SPADA and the NZ Film Commission) demand that I do so is simple: 1. I wrote the screenplay and the songs. Therefore I 100% have the RIGHT (and a rare display of privilege) to tell them that I have spent 3 years sitting here being manipulated by you, to the point where I honestly believe that your billboards chased me out of town, while NONE of you have the courage to write me an email saying: "hey, we love your script" or "let's get those Preludes done with Owen or Chris or Rameka." It may seem like I could do the Preludes, but any professional musician can tell you that following a conductor is an art form, and I have only done that as a guitarist for Evee Telfar's piece that she wrote when I was in my post-grad year. That's simply not enough experience to nail a challenging guitar symphony with funky metres that will be challenging even without an inexperienced jazz-rock guitarist who happens to be a trained classical soloist (soloist being the key word). - Much like my face is too ugly for Tina, and that's why SPADA believes I should be pretty; if my face looked better with makeup, I would believe you, but I'm very aware that the masculine shape of my face is not something that makeup can fix. While telling me to do Tina as a man is not just insulting, but discriminatory. That is why I'm rarking people up about 'gender expression' and my human right to fully express my gender in the way that I choose. I choose to be a trans woman on the more masculine side of that equation, which makes me similar to Mika. In the Māori scene, that's an option; this is why that's my team. I'd look like a drag queen if I used makeup; that's why I don't, and that's usually why even the bigots don't come after my style IRL, as it's natural. They say that shit behind my back, but with clown makeup they'd say it to my face. I take my fashion and trans advice from Dave Roil. He's blunt; he's told me I'm balding and never said that I should stop simply because of that. That's a good friend, and also someone who knows a thing or two about wearing kilts in public. -

2. Until you cease, and accept that I have won this legal battle, I can't be happy and I will spend my ENTIRE day doing this.

I'm not well. I haven't slept well for two nights, now is NOT the time to fuck with me. -

You are deliberately endangering my mental health because you can't accept my no. Do you have any evidence that pressuring me to 'be myself' (ie do Tina) has improved my mental health? No, it has only made it get progressively worse. That's what anyone who has seen me in the last year would say. Even my doctors admitted that the pressure was what drove me over the edge re: Chloe. Don't blame the drugs. Blame all your manipulative, transphobic bs and take a long, hard look at yourselves, wealthy stalkers. I was taking the same drugs while my Dad was still alive and nobody was whining then.

That is what I feel about my enemies. That is why I am their enemy. -

3. If you won't let me around children unless I 'do Tina', then I will say to you then that is openly discriminatory, that is illegal and if you had the balls to really say that, then the Human Rights Commission would be my next call. Words literally can't express the fury that people treated me like a paedo, and I still haven't quite forgiven Aidan for that gig that I went to where I felt like that was the vibe. There's enough precedent in employment that nobody has outright told me that they fired me for being trans, but I got several hints from RNZ that they basically did do that. For the record: When have I ever touched a child inappropriately? never.

That's what matters. The 'ick' that some parents have about a trannie in the park, bolstered by the negative rumours that my enemies spread, is literally groupthink of the kind that makes me want to make these bold statements to shame and discredit the shits who came up with ideas like 'you're not safe for kids, you sicko'

I may have emotional and mental problems, but they're usually something that I attempt to contain within my room. Then you wanted to hear my thoughts when I was walking, and that created the 'issue' Even though Sasha cropped up in my blog and tapes, overall I think that they liked their lessons and thought I gave good advice. I wouldn't talk about a preteen kid on my tapes, but they were 17 and therefore I figured that it was fair game. Talking on the phone is not illegal. I know that I'm disappointing the Police department by saying no, but it's not as though I haven't had to sit through a lot of really insulting crap that members of the community have thought (and said) to me. I have the utmost respect for how the Police have treated me, particularly given that during this same period my brother has been arrested countless times and even been charged with assault. I think that demonstrates that the Police are far more supportive of the trans community than much of the actual community. I've found the Parliamentary people to be far more of a pain, and I definitely got the sense that they walked into my story too late to grasp a lot of the basics, which meant months of reductive assumptions and really pissed me off. If I was actually there to abuse politicians, I would have, but I haven't. I think that's a huge point in my favour for my desire to return to Parliament following the formation of the new government. I apologise again for any distress that I caused Chloe, but other than that I think I was mostly a breath of fresh air to Question Time, and my Fantasy Parliament game is something that might really take off. - 4. For those who made it this far (and want a reminder of why I'm posting this...) This is the basic answer: I get to say no until such time as any producer has the actual cojones to license the copyright for any of my original material (scripts, stories, songs). Until that moment, I get to say no. That's my legal right. My challenge to you, SPADA pricks: have lunch with me rather than taunting me. My challenge to the NZSO: let me ask those interview questions, then perhaps I'll consider licensing Pan to you.

To the Circa/Red Scare ogliarchy: Seriously, other than Stephen Clothier and possibly Natalie, there isn't a single person in your band who I would consider a friend, Cass.

I don't want to conduct or direct you because I know you would resist my notes the same way that I am resisting your attempts to manipulate me. I think you're too arrogant, Cassandra, and that's why I refuse to work with you. Pot calling the kettle black re: arrogance, but I'm bipolar; what's your excuse?

That's a totally fair statement. There's nothing wrong with competing theatre companies in New York, so why is it that we should be so nice in NZ? Do you work with Michael Bell's company (if you're even aware of how many musicals that he stages)? I'm not doing any productions of any kind. I don't do theatre and that's my decision.

You ALL just thought you could control me, as you believed that I was a retard savant.

That belief has blown up in your faces, and that's why I'm being really smarmy, plus I'd love to know exactly how much those billboards cost to put up, and what in the world possessed you and your husband to think you were the scrappy underdogs when you had steady jobs and good money, while I was mostly unemployed during this saga? A fan letter that I wrote? It was a good letter, but any of the cred I won with the pros via Portrait of a Knight was very hard-won. If the film had sucked, then I doubt that Trey or any of those guys would have cared what some Kiwi was doing. Yet, apparently, they do, and therefore I'm the 'very naughty boy' who isn't being fair to those of you who wish you had my problems; believe me, you really don't.✊

- My challenge to my enemies: write to me about the plans you have for me, allowing me the opportunity to tell you no and having that no be final so I can get better. I don't need to get better at performing; I need ongoing mental health that is predicated around having autonomy over my life and my decisions, rather than pretending as if I had that, but actually being bossed around by cisgender people who hate my transness but want to exploit it for their own benefit. - Conductor chat: I'd much rather work with Marc Taddei on Pan's Preludes, to be blunt, as I think he's a great music communicator and did a great job on View from Olympus. If he can do John Psathas's music, then mine should be fairly simple by comparison. I know that Hamish is a fellow Burnside alumn, but I saw that piece that he conducted with Chris Everest and that didn't fill me with confidence. Ken talked me out of attempting to conduct it myself. That was good advice.👋