The rant continues...

No NZSO pops concerts. Accept that the laws change first + I'm not a drawcard like Benee or a pop act - I'm a bedroom pop artist who is well-known for my political views rather than a pop star.

I'm not doing the gig so the laws change. The laws change, then I consider a gig.

And I mean consider - I'm not making any guarantees.

I think pops concerts are tacky. I'm a party musician, and I think Aotearoa much preferred the show tunes with me and my guitar than with a symphony orchestra, though, yes, I'm chuffed that Portrait of a Knight is now a succès d'estime. 😍🥰

-

No, Male me wasn't more responsible.

Male me was having to hold all my feelings in. This is how I really feel. My brother was doing all the producing when he was in charge of the company, which was 2015-2021. He was the responsible one - I was getting stoned all day and doodling. 🤣

-

No, I'm not leaving Wellington. I went to see what Auckland was like, but that was 3 days where I was surveilled.

I'd need more time to work out if I'd move there.

-

What'll I do in Auckland... I'll get acclimated to the city, write Shipwrecked and probably do some practice.

But yeah, honestly I thought your pitch about vegging on the couch was good.

I'm exhausted with this 24/7 activism. It's been years of this. ✊

-

No, not working with Cass. I'm not interested in their kind of practice. That's the truth.

My kind of practice is ruthless and hella intense, and isn't about groups. It's about me in my room drilling scales at speeds that most people think are impossible.

But, as Mike Stoop and Jake would both testify, peak me could wipe the floor with anyone. -

That regimen is brutal, though. It's Jane's one from the tech videos I made for her with some variations:

15-30 minutes of yoga, then some weed.

Then I'd have to start the entire routine from scratch: here's how it really began.

I took acid for the first time, and then I went from 50 or 60bpm up to 180+ in 2bpm increments, without getting up for a break. That was 2 1/2 hours, and that set the tone. Then I eventually started jumping in 20bpm increments, but that took 6-8 months.

The final routine was 1 1/2 hours. -

Only major scales, I don't do modes or minor scales as I know all the transpositions.

So yeah - that's what I mean by ascetic practice.

Peak recorded speed was 220bpm semiquavers. That's bebop fast.

But yeah, I displace rhythms when I get in the flow. It's not about rock-style beat precision, but it's really about rubato and swing and feel. It all begins and ends with the metronome beats, but honestly in the flow it's something else. -

Yes, the psychedelics are critical to the routine. I was regularly tripping while I did that.

-

Ethan demurred about Shipwrecked. I asked him.

-

Don, you would have never done this when you were my age.

In fact, Harry left you to make movies, and you formed a band.

-

I'm not working with Don on the Tina movie. I'm just not interested.

I'd rather do some gigs. That would be fun, but again, I'm not doing anything until I can feel safe about my drugs.

And that's simply untrue until the laws change. Like, it's nice they're going to look the other way on May 2, but that's a negotiation that I've been actively having with the fuzz for about a month.

-

No. I'm not making the cartoon. It's an easy process, all of you could just copy and steal it.

I'm utterly disinterested and it is time for EVERYONE to write me formally.

I'm serious.

-

And as for John Psathas: you're the one who told me to do it this way.

And now you think I should backtrack, despite the fact you left the uni so you could be an independent pro.

I think that's pretty rich, and same with Don.

If you guys see yourselves in me, why are you surprised that I'm as stubborn as you two?

-

I'd defend myself on any charges against the NZSM. I think they know that I made some really valid points.

Which is why they're so ashamed and chicken. They want to control me because I made them look bad.

That's why I'm saying no. I wish to continue criticising them and the NZSO. It's great to have a party that supports me with doing that. -

Seriously, a $100 million building, and they're trying to screw me out of $20,000?

I'm not paying them a fucking cent for further study, and I don't want the scholarships as they come with strings attached.

This is why Jake couldn't speak out on the issues, and instead set me up to take a fall. 👩 -

You lot are the ones thinking short-term. I'm saying I can wait 10 years for the Preludes.

But honestly funding the movie is my goal to get the piece performed.

I can get a scoring session together without working for the NZSM, or performing with the NZSO. That's how I made it happen the first time. And that was only $7,000.

I'd hope to get the Preludes done in 3 hours, so maybe it'd only be $5000. -

So yeah, they're the ones who should understand I'm an indie artist who happens to have made some symphonic scores.

I genuinely want a lot of synth on the Shipwrecked sound (like A Glacier Melts). It's just the Preludes and a few incidental cues that I foresee requiring the real players. The beauty of a studio recording is that I can use fewer players and favourable mic positions to thicken the sound, and if it's with clicks I can use the synth to thicken it too. -

If Wellington tries to blackball me, I'll just use the APO, CSO, or freelance players and build it instrument by instrument - we've done that before (the big band track in POAK). They're both really good orchestras, and freelancers are cheaper than NZSO players. 👽

-

I'm actually saying that those who supervised my virtual imprisonment have demonstrably worsened my mental health. Those people made me ashamed of my identity and have tried to convert and detransition me.

That's why those no's that I'm yelling in my room are SO FIRM. There's nothing they can do or say unless it's a formal negotiation, and I'm losing my mind because of the pressure, much like in December and January.

This isn't a formal process - this is the kind of extortion that B is accusing me of, and it's been going on since 2020. I want that process to begin. There's no deal here; there's 'you lot nearly killed me'. That's not a joke - you've all seen my suicidality increase significantly, and I gather that's been tragic for Chloe. 😥

I'm not hitting myself anymore, but I mostly cleared that up before moving to the hotel. -

It's also time for my captors to acknowledge that they're not 'nice' - this wasn't nice.

This was people torturing me for their own ends.

So don't pretend like you weren't laughing behind my back for years, James and Cassandra.

Let's be honest, I'm not fond of you, and you were one of my main targets for the reason that you're so 'nice'.

I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right. I'm the witch, you're the world. 🐱‍👤

-

And I think re: the culture wars, it's becoming clearer that I have some cogent ideas about shifting the discourse.

That's been a big chunk of what I've been trying to do for the last several years. Practical experience as a political campaigner has made me increasingly disinterested in the reckons of the arts community, particularly when those reckons are tainted by the fact that you're all sore that I'm saying you're overfunded and lazy.

Lazy is harsh, but overfunded is true. 😤 -

While I've put many, many thousands of my own dollars into legalising drugs. $30,000 was a low estimate, but fair.

That's me using my inherited privilege to try and really shift minds and thinking. While you two, James and Cass, come from equally privileged backgrounds, and mostly focus on your insular community.

My community might not be popular, but it's far from insular, as we're the legalising people who do the big stunts and attract police attention, while you all get stoned and curse me out.

The Tina story isn't Big, though I love that movie. That's utterly insulting. I'm as grown up as you two, and I'm hard as nails because .. fucking watch that cop interview, and tell me I haven't had to become hard because that's what a street trannie is supposed to be. I knew it was a criminal enterprise, but Dakta assured me I wouldn't go to jail, though this wasn't what I was expecting.

That's why I'm not making the movie. I'm not interested in softening my edges (pun intended); that's what it takes to be a REAL campaigner rather than a pussy actor. Masturbating is a good cure for insomnia, that's my main motivation to wank - since the first manic insomnia, it's all been the same vibe. I wonder if having a sleep partner would help .. I like hearing other people's breath, but as I say, I'm not wading into any couple situations; I'm not interested in being an adjunct to someone else's main relationship. -

I'm still far more invested in legalising drugs than my arts career. After all this crap, the only way to remove the black mark is to change the law.

My aggressive style has at least one big fan (Chloe), so why should I care what my pussy-whipped cuck acquaintance thinks?

That's what Ethan said about James. Ethan was totes right, and I think Cass is a total queen bee who isn't used to robust dialogue.

As for me, this is robust dialogue. And it's been robust since I deliberately targeted the Nats in 2020 and the Electoral Commission got interested in RP. -

They're all the ones who are too chickenshit to write to me, yet want my IP rights.

That goes for B too. Jane wrote me back this week; you haven't.

I'm willing to let Chloe slide - I've stood her up enough that I feel bad. 👋

-

I'm hoping they've hardened up through trying to manipulate me, but their total lack of willingness to write to me or include me in their lives is pathetic.

Chloe makes an effort with that. I think she tries too hard sometimes, but I appreciate the thought.

I don't appreciate the thought from Red Scare or NZSM - they're only interested in me because I shamed them, and because of Chloe.

But, yeah, they're not my friends, Chloe. My friends are a very small group - my FB friends, plus you, Gary and Dakta etc. -

You'll never get to rewrite my lyrics, James and Cass, and it's time to accept my style is my style.

-

I'm not going clean. And I've only smoked CBD today, so don't pretend like this isn't me in a fairly lucid frame of mind.

You lot are the ones who are bearing the brunt of this shit BECAUSE you think spying on me is helping me.

It isn't, and this protracted negotiation is proof positive that the spying has failed. It was useful, but then it became about detransition, and that was why the Tory Whanau evening ticked me off so much. 👩 - I'm not detransitioning. In fact, my plan is to return to the bearded trannie thing; I'm starting to feel confident to try that again. 😀

I'm geniunely annoyed that Chloe participated in that evening. She should have known better; those who wrote those sketches have learned that I'm a sharp satirist, and I can do it with filming trash bins and el cheapo cartoon FX, while they spend thousands and thousands on plays that nobody sees. I mean, $9 million on the Unruly Tourists opera, while the Dakumentary that partially inspired it cost a tiny fraction of that. Movies for the win - I reckon Shipwrecked could be a $1 million film! - The Todd Haynes Superstar film is still obsessing me re: style for Shipwrecked. I want it to feel Thunderbirds or mannequins .. handmade. I think the roto techniques would enhance those FX, and are also fairly cheap.