relationship fears

So, it sorta seems like people are more interested in me post-rock stardom lol Here's my problem, though: my closest relationships have all been violent, and the whole trans thing hasn't been fun .. though now I know how it feels to be objectified. -- 1: How can I feel safe with someone I barely know? 2. What about friends and family? -- I'm a little more difficult to explain than a straight boyfriend. That's particularly true for interethnic relationships. 3. I'm crazy: who wants a crazy person for a partner? 4. The fuzz watch me, and I'm a prominent activist, which is 'fun for a fling' but not 'settle down' material for most ladies. I've often thought being with another trans person would be easier, but that has challenges too (see: Evie, who is non-binary 😀). 5. Plus my criminal organisation affiliation aka The Daktory. We're not a gang, but everyone thinks of us as if we are, which is quite irritating. I feel like going to Parliament with Gary, people take us seriously, but yeah the vibe on the streets has a crim energy (particularly when we're breaking the law 😂). 6. I'm not really into sex. I love porn, though. - So yeah, there's a lot of upsides to being single, particularly in this day and age. I'd hate for someone to support me, though Ross Harris has that vibe with his partner. However, I'd also rather like to know what being in a relationship is like, so that's a plus for the 'dating' column (vs. the 'stay single' column). - I really don't want to sing professionally. I'm surprised people loved my demos, as I'd always thought my voice was mediocre, but yeah I put several years of effort into my singing -- I write musicals: it seemed like a logical decision. My ear is great, but I can read sheet music too. I do that the jazz/folk way, though which is when you pick parts of the melody to accompany yourself. The Dakumentary captures most of what I wanted to say as an actor. The orgies as a whole are probably a lot like the Front Lawn, though that was only intentional following a hair cut in 2020 where the hairdresser told me about the band. - I'm quite keen to write some serious music, but I'm not really sure what format or venue. Producing the proper album of Shipwrecked on Islands is one option, and I'm quite keen to do that. I'm not really thinking of guitar pieces atm -- that part of my Big Smoke tape was very true. - I'd love to get some film scoring gigs, but that's a tough field to break into. I mean, people know me as a musician, but as a musician-filmmaker rather than as a serious musician. Plus my sound isn't really what the film directors in Aotearoa are chasing: James Ashcroft likes my music for the scope, but most directors prefer rockier music. I think of myself as much like Satyajit Ray as a filmmaker. He wrote, directed, scored and photographed many of his movies. Of his movies, I haven't seen the Apu trilogy, but I love The Music Room and Charulata. - Still hate 'partner' as a euphemism. I think adopting the American mode and saying 'business partner' 'sleep partner' etc. is better English than the Kiwi thing where 'partner' is a euphemism so gay people can hide their orientation. I choose to lead a limited life. Songwriting and composing are things I value more than emotional stability or having children. I'm not all that into having kids, though I'd like to teach kids. It's just that I don't want to be a full-time teacher -- most musicians have a few students (but also usually have another side-hustle 🐣). - Patreon: I had one briefly, but I realised that I prefer the blog. As for NSFW images -- I'd defend most of those. The FB censors didn't have any issues with my movies, so I rather like that I shocked the Aotearoa audience with my sexy movies. If only we'd made money off These Words... that would have been sweet. I might yet, though: score sales are still a lucrative form of income for composers. 🤣 - A learning from Dirty Politics: It's nice that there's an unwritten rule in NZ journalism to look the other way about MP's affairs. Though yeah, I wonder what stories those strippers could tell... That's the sort of thing that makes me think this is a good time to make the sex work documentary. It's topical, and it's a good yarn. 😀 - Whereas my Tina story is like a period piece, and I reckon if people are keen, they should make it a period piece. I'm not really into making a legit movie: I'd rather keep experimenting and see if I can crack a way of telling Shipwrecked on the cheap. I'd really love to see a film of The Plaything. I think a woman should direct that, though, which is why I challenged Meesh and Ingrid (and also challenging Alice Snedden👋 ). - The Day The Flat Burned Down -- I think that would be challenging to adapt, though it's got some striking imagery. - I thought I voiced the characters quite well for the Shipwrecked reading (which I still have), but I'd rather play a small part than do it all myself. The album is the first step. Then the movie: that's my plan. See, it's not all whims and fancies with me: I take my business as seriously as anyone. I couldn't have written that song if I wasn't able to relate to the perspective, but that song in particular was only ever intended for the 2030 musical. That made me think of Wolverine: "I'm the best at what I do, but what I do ain't very nice".