Giving me replicas of my old jacket and shoes will not make me that person again. I like Mum's jacket, but yeah... that aspect ticked me off. I do not want to be him. I'm not remotely interested in anything to do with straight, white me. If I can't be Amanda, then I'm not anything. I will never want to return. Stop wishing I would and either write to me or let me do what I want, which is to leave.
Stop pleading with me to pass. I'm honestly not accepting this whole 'fuck you, Amanda' rap -- I'm happier as her than I was as him, and I prefer my black screens and AI to legit movies. I'd rather die a trannie. I was never straight, and I loved my video opera of the song cycle. - I'm not giving recitals, though people are welcome to turn up to the guitar film I'm planning. I'm not planning to come to any plays: they're expensive, and my drug habit isn't cheap. 🙂 -
I'm not interested in being a guy. I'm not playing a male role. I'm not playing myself. I've already done that. It doesn't feel like that to me, though.... the dak film was super-organic, and much like Bad Man it took shape much later than the initial shoot. I'm not going back to being Tim. I'm seriously not. I transitioned socially and changed my name legally. - The pressure to 'be straight' is absolutely not going to work. I'm not giving up my fashion sense, and I'm not interested in being anyone's little sister. This is why I left the academy. I wasn't comfortable there. I'm more comfortable in squalor. I'd honestly rather die. I'm so sick of people thinking I'm a fetish object. My Reverie video nailed that... positive self-talk: I'm third gender, and I look good. 🙂 - To the peanut gallery: I'm not 'practicing my English' anymore. I'm fricking sick of all the jokes about my stutter, my accent and everything else. That's why I'm not coming back... that's what happens at every office gig (and it was true at uni too). Everyone likes mocking me, then they wonder why I'm so suicidal? I'm too chicken to pull it off, but I think of death often. I found recording myself and singing karaoke helped me through this grueling process of people interrogating me. I think my songs totally nailed the Kiwi sound. I have a dark sense of humour. Barbara, I don't want to be your friend. I'm hurt that you left, though I'm aware it was coincidental and had nothing to do with me. Suffice to say, Amanda post-Covid is very paranoid, and with good reason. If I'm not able to discuss my drug use openly, it's not really worth the trouble to make up polite lies about where the money I borrow is likely going -- around 1/4 of my income goes to drugs/alcohol, so if that is awkward... the other 3/4 is probably useful R&D. You can plead all you want, but I'm not doing it.
I don't want to be your fake girlfriend.
I'm not really interested in real-life romance, either. I feel like my love life has been an unmitigated trainwreck, though the compositions are beautiful.
As for PDA -- that isn't IRL me. I find it weird when people hold hands, and kissing disgusts me. 🙂
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I love masturbating, but I'm such a prude that I only started wanking during my twenties.
I've been reading porn since I was a teen, though.
I tried reaching out to Moses from Sol3 mio, but no reply from the PR lady. I reckon the song cycle could be sung by two women, though that might require adjusting during the duet sections. I wasn't particularly enamoured of One Sings, The Other Doesn't -- it was alright, but I'm mostly bored by slice-of-life currently. 👁️ I was hoping to write more of the novelisation, but I'm blocked: structural thoughts about the order of events and whether I should re-jig them for prose.